I<3IYU

great changes happening soon..
i shall not say more before anything is decided and confirmed..
i've yet to decide anything..

this will cause a great change in my life,
i don't know if i'm making the right decision.
but for what i see now, it's probably the best decision.

the best way to minimize hurt that might lead to anyone..
argg..

forget it..

mom's birthday was yesterday,
i was here..
i wasn't there with her..
she didn't want to celebrate it outside.
so they had simple dinner at home..
my mom didn't even eat dinner thanks to someone..
someone whom she loved, but the one that hurt her the most.
on her birthday..
i heard my mom crying..
fuck. i can do nothing..
i still have to reply to some morons that keep on sending me some extremely low-eq msg.
which i didn't reply in the end.

fuck, i don't know how to express my feelings.
i remembered, i once told mommy.
" i will kill her one day, and i will go to jail"
i really find it pathetic you know..
for saying this kind of things..

but, come to think of it.
for those that couldn't realise and refuse to admit their mistake.
i find you pathetic, like so damn pathetic.
live in your own world, ignorance, proud, ill bred, and with fucking attitude.
i find you pathetic, really.

yesterday night, after i got home..
bathed..
i got so bored..
so i starting calling everyone..

i went out for night strolling at 11pm, with hui min.
okay i know its really random..
so both of us starting thinking where we should go..
we end up in Lorong Ah Soo..
my previous house..
really change alot..
been like 4years?
the place i used to live has been demolished, a flat ground there.
i don't know bus service 45 goes there.
like since when?!

so we walk and walk.. walk to a park..
maplewood park..
i think that's the name..
so both of us started talking about the past..

i held a bbq for her birthday there before,
we played badminton there before, yea, almost everyday after PSLE.
alot of memories..
good ones, bad ones, humorous ones, idiotic ones, and sentimental ones..

took cab home, dropped hui min at her place..
she's the first person that i shared my plan with..
we talk about the past,
we used to be on the phone,for very long hours..
both of us kept quiet, after awhile and ask,
" OI, you still there or not?"
lol..
sounds so stupid.. but thats life la..

almost talk every night during my P6 life,
we got into the same secondary school,
sadly different class..
saw her almost everyday, but didn't talk all the time..
we even stop talking to each other for afew months.. or even a year?

we got into same poly..
weird, i kind of found back a sense of belonging.
like back to 6 years ago..
very pure, innocent friendships..

yea.. it's been 6years..

i randomly visit my exes's blogs,
i realise that most of them is very happy now,

why am i so miserable now?
i don't know..
maybe i'm causing all these things myself..

i don't know..

for once, i hope i can go back to the past..
let it be 6 years ago..
i miss the feeling..

i realise i don't smile at home now..
who to smile at?
i told baby before, sometime, she's the first person i talk to every morning..
you guys can talk to daddy, mommy, siblings, grandparents every morning before you leave the house..
i don't. because i don't even have the chance.
my mouth is sealed..

sometime, i really find myself worthless.

i love you, the best way of loving you is to help you.
but im useless, i can do nothing..